shattered chaos
by CobaltPrincess
Summary: one pilot's struggle to understand his own feelings...And his discovery that he is not alone. First-person POV. Shonen-ai.
1. confusion

                'He's my savior, my light through the darkness. He breaks down my barriers, making me see the real-- forcing me to see the real. He strips me of all my masks, leaving me to stand raw and bleeding before him. He forces me to see _me...'_

Shattered Chaos 

Chapter 1: Confusion

By CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com)

He's staring at me again. He always does that when he thinks I'm not looking. That I'm too involved in whatever I'm typing to notice him. But I do. He does it enough. He gets this intense look in his eye like he's trying to memorize everything I'm doing, how I looked at a certain moment.

                I've often wondered why he does that, but I've never asked-- it'll ruin the great job of pretending I've been doing. I couldn't let the baka know that I actually pay attention to him, now could I? His stare is unnerving and his eyes are filled with an emotion that I can't name. 

                It's kind of hard to look into someone's eyes when you're supposed to be ignoring them. But I need to see what it is, so I turn to look at him. His eyes trace my face intently.

                "Duo..." I say softly and he snaps back to the present. There's a faint blush staining his cheeks and I wonder why.

                "Heero...hey..." he says a little warily, staring at his hands.

                "I asked you to stop staring at me." 

Duo raised his head a little "But I wasn't staring. And besides, you told me that a couple months ago and I haven't since then." he rambled

                "Then what were you doing?"

                "...Thinking." Was the short reply, "I didn't realize I was staring at you. I'm sorry." he said and left the room. 

                Now that was weird. He just lied to me. Again. He's been doing that a lot lately. For someone who goes around proclaiming not to lie, he sure does a lot of lying to me. What did he have to lie about anyway? Thinking about this is getting me nowhere...damn, I forgot to search his eyes. Well, there's always next time...better get back to work.

* * * * * *

I woke with a start. I noticed a presence above me. How the HELL did that happen?! I opened my eyes and I was face to face with a guilty looking Duo. I glared.

                "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I demanded. He looked nervous and again his face was flushed. There was a moment or two of silence. "Well?"

                "...I was just looking at you," he said uncertainly

                "Why?"

                "...You look very peaceful in your sleep, you know that?"

                "I thought I told you to stop doing that."

                "No, you didn't."

                "What?" I growled

                "You told me to stop staring at you...when you were awake. You said nothing about when you were sleeping. So I figured that it was ok because I was doing what you asked." Duo explained all in one breath.

                I stared at him for a while trying to comprehend why he would possibly want to waste so much time staring at me. Finally I decided to ask him since no answers were forthcoming. I did not anticipate the answer I got. I was shocked. It was a simple enough answer, but I couldn't figure out why he would say that to me. One simple sentence had my mind reeling and I could not figure out why. If any other person said it, I would have shrugged it off. But it was him-- the answer that had my mind reeling?

                "You're beautiful..." 

He said it softly, looking at me as if I was some kind of coveted treasure, his eyes sparkling in the moonlight. Then he moved forward and kissed me. When he pulled away he gazed into my confused eyes and smiled. "Oyasumi..." he said and went to his bed and slept.

                I laid back down in an attempt to sleep the rest of the night away, but sleep evaded me. I lay awake the rest of the night utterly confused-- more confused than I'd ever been. I did not know what to make of his actions; I didn't know what to make of how I was feeling. There was a fluttering in my stomach and a blush graced my face. How did this all happen because of him? Why is he so different?

                I rolled over and looked at him. He was sprawled across his bed, his loose hair glinting in the moonlight, his face lax in sleep. Why does he invest so much energy in me? Kami-sama this is so frustrating! Why does he always confuse me? When I'm around him I'm so unsure of what I'm doing. How do you do this to me, Duo…?

Tbc...

This is a concept that came to me out of the blue. I don't really know what I want to do with this but we'll see. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reviewing ^.^


	2. sulking

****

Shattered Chaos

Chapter 2: Sulking

By: CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com)

****

Disclaimer: I would think that it was pretty obvious that I didn't own anything. I mean, what would be the point of my writing this if I did…?

****

A/N: My thanks to my best friend and beta reader **ShadowAngel**. She read and corrected this crap for me!! How sweet of her ^.^

I can't sleep. I've been trying for the past three hours. Every time I close my eyes, I'm assaulted by visions of Duo. His hair shining in the moonlight, his eyes gleaming with an intensity I've never seen before. It's strange to think that he is the reason for my insomnia. 

This didn't happen until he kissed me. Damn him. Even now my lips burn whenever I think about that night. He always finds a way to annoy the hell out of me. Look at him over there, sleeping peacefully while I'm wide-awake. The bastard.

Whenever I'm awake like this, I'm acutely aware of the fact that I feel lonely, that I miss him… weird, but true. I miss his eyes, his voice, and his touch… How can I miss him so much when he's right here with me? I never thought it possible.

A couple of months ago, all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. Now I can't imagine going on another day without him pestering me. Now that I think about it, he wasn't actually a constant annoyance; he was more like a companion, a friend. Why must my thoughts always focus on him? Maybe if I watch him, I could go to sleep. It worked for him. How can one person cause so much confusion? Does he do this to me intentionally? Why Duo? Why did you kiss me? You said I was beautiful…but that's a lie. I'm not the beautiful one…that's you. 

Kami-sama, I'm blushing again.

Maybe I'm thinking about this too much. Maybe he just did it as a joke…to see how I would react. But Duo wouldn't joke about something like that. I don't understand. Why would he say that I was beautiful? Relena says it all the time, although that's just because she's obsessed. But Duo, what reason could he possibly have? It doesn't make sense. None of it does. Of all of the people to torment me…

I get up from my bed and walk over to Duo's side of the room. I watch as his chest rises and falls in a slow rhythm. I eventually drag my eyes up to his face. His eyes are closed, hiding the brilliant amethyst orbs and his dark lashes are resting softly against his cheeks, his full lips are parted slightly in sleep.

I want to kiss him. To feel the softness of his lips against mine just one more time. Maybe it'll feel different if I'm the one kissing him. Would it feel different if he kissed me back? I look down at those lips now so close to my own. I want to kiss him so badly, but what if he wakes up? What would I say? But he's sleep, he wouldn't know if I kissed him or not. Only I would know.

Duo…

Would you hate me if I did this? Oh Kami, Duo, this is all your fault. I wouldn't even be thinking these things if it weren't for you. I don't know what to do. I settle my face against his neck and inhale his musky scent. I've always liked the way he smelled. Duo…tell me what to do. I don't know what to do.

I'm so tired. Duo shifts in his sleep and I abruptly pull away. An arm wraps around my waist before I manage to get away and he settles himself against me murmuring. I'm petrified. I can't get away; he's holding me too tightly. What would I say if he woke up while we were still like this? I have to move and I have to move now. Think Heero, think.

While I'm wracking my brain for a possible means of escape, Duo shifts again and I use that to my advantage. When I slip back into my own bed, I notice the lack of warmth. Duo's warm. I like the feel of his arms around me. Nani?! Damn you Duo, damn you. I'm so tired and confused. Duo…how do you do this to me?

Tbc…..

Yeah…I know it's short. Hopefully it isn't too bad though. Whatever. I didn't want to force anything. Let me know what you think. Thank a whole bunch for reading this.


	3. annoyance

****

'Why is he acting so weird? He's acting as if nothing happened. How can he just call me beautiful and kiss me, and then pretend that it never happened? He's **so** frustrating.'

Shattered Chaos

Chapter 3: Annoyance

By CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com)

****

Disclaimer: I own nothing. That settles everything, ne?

It's been three months. Three months since he kissed me, since he's looked at me. Why doesn't he look any more? I shouldn't be complaining I'm getting what I asked for. The first week was bliss…now? Now, it's just annoying. He doesn't even ask me to do things with him anymore. How is it that he can annoy me when he's not even in the same room with me? It's too quiet. I should go see what he's doing.

When I walk into the living room, I see him, sprawled across the couch watching television. The light highlighting his skin, giving him an ethereal glow, his braid is lying limply on the floor, and his bangs are falling carelessly into his eyes. There is only one word that comes to mind at the sight of him. He's beautiful, absolutely beautiful. 

Nani?! I can't believe I just thought that. I never thought of him as beautiful before. Why now? Is it because he said I was? I'm so confused. It's all his fault. I wouldn't even be down here if it weren't for him; I wouldn't even be thinking this if it weren't for him. Why does he always have to cause problems?

"Heero, are you alright?" I snapped out of my daze to see Duo staring at me. 

"Huh?" 

"Are you ok?" 

"I'm fine," I say wondering when he turned around and how I didn't notice.

"You sure? 'Cause you were glaring at me pretty hard and all I was doing was watching T.V." Duo said looking at me skeptically.

"Why wouldn't be?" I snapped. Duo stared at me in something akin to shock. 

"Sure, whatever you say," Duo replied. "You wanna watch T.V?" he asked 

"Hn." If I said no, I would have come down here for nothing and he would have been suspicious. I walked over to the couch and Duo got up to make room, moving as far away from me as the couch would allow. I repressed a growl. Usually he sits as close as I'll let him and now he's acting as if I have the plague. 

This is annoying the hell out of me. I have to leave. As I get up to leave the room, he grabs my wrist. "Where ya going?" he asked, smiling that annoying smile of his.

"Let go of me," I growled, moving my wrist to test the grip. Duo only tightened his hold.

"Not until you answer the question." I glared, Duo's smile only brightened.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Why won't you just tell me?" I wanted to yell for all of the frustration I was feeling. First he acts as if my very presence was offending him. And now he refuses to let me leave. Why does he do this to me? Maybe if I punched him….

"I'm going back to the room. Are you happy now?" Duo's hand left my wrist and I walked out of the room. 

* * * * * *

As soon as I reached the room we shared I threw myself on the bed. I was a veritable ball of emotion. I was so angry and confused, but the one emotion that stood out more than the rest was hurt. Duo's actions hurt me, but I don't understand why. I don't like that he has this power over my emotions. Why is it only him? Why is he so special? 

I hear the door to the room open but I do not move.

"Heero…"

"…" I don't answer. I don't think that I can, given the condition I'm in now. 

"Heero, what's the matter with you?" Duo's voice was tinged with worry. I would have laughed at that if I had the energy to do so. Why would he be worried about me?

"Go away." 

"Heero…did I do something to upset you?"

"I said go away." I don't think that I can keep my voice steady much longer.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong with you."

I ignore him. Why is it only the times that I want him to leave me alone, that he won't? Damn him; damn him and his ability to show up when I'm least inclined to want him in my presence. 

"Damnit, Heero!" he yells and I feel a hand on my shoulder rolling me onto my back. "What the fuck is the matter with you?!"

"What about the words 'go away' didn't you understand?" I ask glaring up at him. There are too many emotions for me to deal with right now. My eyes are prickling and I feel exhausted. I just want to sleep. I want to dream about Duo, about the way he was before he kissed me. Before he made me so damn confused. Why, Duo? Why do you do this to me?

"Why don't you just answer the fucking question? Something is bothering you Heero and I want to know what." He looked into my eyes, his gaze steady. I stared up into those violet orbs that have haunted my dreams for the past three months; I drowned in them. I wanted so badly for the world to stop, to forever gaze into his eyes.

What the fuck am I thinking?! I wouldn't even feel like this if it weren't for him, and here I am thinking about how wonderful it is to stare into his eyes. Ugh. What's wrong with me? It's his fault, the bastard. It isn't enough that he kissed me and robbed me of my sleep for the past three months, that I want him to touch me? Of course not! Now he has to torture me further by treating me as if he couldn't stand to be around me one minute and be all concerned the next.

"Get the fuck away from me." I growled and pushed him away. 

"What the fuck, Heero? All I'm trying to do is see if you're ok. You seemed upset when you came back up here. Did you want to talk to me? Is that why you went downstairs? Is that why you're upset?"

I refused to look at him. I would not admit to wanting to speak to him. I would not. He's made a big enough fool of me already.

"That's it, isn't it?" he moved toward me. I still refused to look at him. "Heero…" A hand touched my chin and I was forced to look at him. "You can talk to me anytime you want, no matter what I'm doing." His hand came up to caress my cheek and I surprised myself by leaning into the touch. Duo smiled, "So what's on your mind, beautiful?"

Duo's touch was causing all my thoughts to scatter, enough that I was beginning to forget what I was angry about. I answered without really being aware of it. "You," I whispered while resting my head on his shoulder. I felt so calm and warm pressed against Duo, surrounded by his scent.

"What about me?" 

I felt so sleepy. I guess all those months of sleeplessness were starting to catch up with me. I mumbled something, I don't remember what and then everything was dark.

Tbc…

A/N: Is it just me or is Heero way OOC? This chapter didn't exactly turn out the way that I wanted, but I think it's ok. There's only going to be three more chapters and it'll be done, but I don't know how long it's going to take me to write them. Welp, that's enough of my rambling. Let me know what you think. Ja! ^.^


	4. angst

'My emotions strangle me. There's too much to handle all at once. How can people deal with this? It's so hard. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm just so fucking confused.'

Shattered Chaos 

Chapter 4: Angst

By: CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com)

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Gundam Wing I wouldn't have a huge stack of loans to pay off. But I do, so it's pretty safe to assume that I don't own it.

There is something moving slowly through my hair and an incredible warmth all around me. It feels nice, it makes me feel safe; I've never felt like this before. I wonder if this is a dream. Someone murmurs something in my ear and I instantly recognize the voice. It's his voice……Duo's. I open my eyes to see him smiling down at me, his fingers slowly dragging through my hair. 

"I was wondering when you were going to wake up." His smile grew a little wider.

"What are you doing?" I asked confused.

"You fell asleep last night while we were talking." I remembered last night. Being pressed against Duo, being in his arms. As I realized that I was still in the same position that I was last night I blushed. 

Duo chuckled at that. "So do you still want to talk to me, Hee-chan?"

"…" I don't answer. I can't answer, I don't know if I want to. I have no idea of what I want to say.

"Well…what did you mean when you said that I confuse you?" He asks suddenly. I just stare at him, completely at sea. "Don't look at me like that Heero. It's a simple enough question."

"….I never asked you that. Maybe you're confusing me with someone else."

Duo stares at me blandly. "As if I could ever confuse you with someone else. You said that I confuse you right before you fell asleep."

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Are you even listening to me?" he asked, eyeing me with a weird expression on his face. I nodded. "Well, are you going to answer me or not?"

"…I just meant that you confuse me…" I trail off uncertainly when Duo gave me another bland look.

"We already covered that, Heero. What I want to know is HOW I confuse you."

"…I don't know. You just do things that confuse me and I can't figure out why they do no matter how much I think about them." 

"What do I do that confuses you?" He asks studying my face intently.

I feel my eyes sting when I think about his ignoring me, the way he avoided touching me, the way he acted as if nothing happened after he kissed me, the way he kept calling me beautiful even though I knew that he couldn't possibly mean it. Was all of this some kind of sick game to him? Why is it that he's the only one who gets to me like this?

I turn on to my back and stare at the ceiling, the burning in my eyes increasing. "I don't know…everything you do confuses me." My throat constricts and my voice sounds strained.

"Heero…are you ok?"

"You make me feel weird. I can't explain it…it just feels weird." Duo places a hand on my cheek and I lean into the touch involuntarily. He could so easily pull my puppet strings along.

"Weird how? Describe what you feel."

"When you touch me…it feels…safe…? I don't know." I shake my head.

"It's ok, Heero, take your time, there's no rush."

"…You're different form everyone else. I don't know why, but you are." I stare at the ceiling hoping it will give me some clarity. This is obviously wishful thinking because no matter how long I stare at it, nothing becomes any clearer. 

"Different how?" He asks after awhile.

I take a deep breath in a futile gesture to calm myself. "I don't mind when you do things that would normally bother me if it were someone else." 

"What things?" 

"Why must you ask so many questions?" I snap

Duo looked surprised. "I'm trying to understand your feelings, Heero. You're not being all that clear right now."

"Why do you even care!!" I suddenly scream at him sitting up. The burning in my eyes has increased and my eyes have become blurry. 

"You're upset about something and I want to help you." He says in a soothing tone of voice that is meant to calm, but I'm in no mood to be calm. I want him to know what he is making me feel, I want him to know what he has done.

"Help me?!" I ask incredulously "You want to help me?!"

"Are you ok, Heero?" he asked his face a mask of concern.

"Do I look ok to you, Duo?!" By now I had tears streaming down my face and I don't know why the hell I'm crying.

"What's the matter? Why are you crying?" Duo sits up reaches for me and I pull away from him.

"You're what's the matter with me!!" I yell pointing at him. "You!!"

Duo looks confused "What have I done to you?"

"You know what you've done, Duo!!"

Duo shakes his head lightly, his eyes locking onto mine "No, Heero, I don't. Tell me…please."

I stare at him as his eyes look into mine pleadingly. I can't believe he's acting as if he doesn't know. But Duo doesn't lie, so maybe he isn't aware of the way he's affecting me….

"You say and do things that confuse the hell out of me. I don't even know why you say these things. It makes no sense."

"What did I say? What confused you?"

I look away from his piercing gaze before I answer him. "…You said I was beautiful." I whispered "Why would you say that? I know why Relena would say it, but you…. I don't know. You're different, I don't mind it so much when you say it, but I don't know why you would. I don't know why I don't mind." 

A hand touches my chin and my face is turned toward Duo. He looks into my eyes for a while with an expression on his face that I have not seen before. When he finally speaks, he says, "…You are beautiful, Heero. I'm only telling you the truth, it's not meant to confuse, it's meant to compliment." The hand on my chin moves to caress my cheek and I lean into the touch…again.  I don't know why I like his touch so much. 

I let out a shaky sigh. "Why do you do things like this?" I ask. When I don't receive an answer I turn my eyes toward Duo and I notice the faraway look in his eyes--he didn't hear my question. Damn him. I open my mouth to scream at him, but his lips on mine effectively silence anything I was about to say. 

He ran his tongue across my bottom lip and I gasped at the feeling. Its slippery warmth slipped into my mouth and stroked every surface it came into contact with. I moaned at the feeling and my hands found their way around his neck. Duo's hands circled my waist and he held on to me tightly. I felt a jolt when his tongue touched my own and I tentatively touched back. Duo groaned and held onto me tighter and began to kiss me eagerly. My lungs were burning for lack of air when Duo finally withdrew. I panted drawing the much-needed air into my lungs.

He stared into my eyes with such an intensity it made my knees weak. "…Heero." He whispered as he leant forward and nuzzled my neck his arms still around my waist.  

"…Duo?" I whispered questioningly.    

"Hai?" he replied his face still buried in my neck.

"…. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why'd you kiss me, Duo?" I ask shakily.

Duo moved to look me in the eyes a solemn look on his face "I kissed you…" he started then paused a few seconds "…I kissed you because…I love you." He finished in a whisper.

I gasped and pulled away from him not sure how to respond. I looked into his eyes for awhile and he just returned my gaze patiently.

"I…I don't…what do you…?" I stuttered trying to figure out what was going on.

Duo reached forward and took my hand and I ceased my babbling. "I don't expect anything from you, Heero. I just wanted you to know…" He lowered his eyes and continued, "It's better that you do. I don't have to hide it anymore." He then looked at me again; "I don't like hiding things from you."

"…I…" Duo put a finger on my lips to silence me.

"It's ok, Heero." He whispered as he moved his finger from my lips. "It's ok," he said again and placed a chaste kiss on my lips before he left the room. 

I was left alone staring at the door after him more confused now than I was before. What was I going to do now? Did I care for Duo the way he cared for me? Damn, this was giving me a headache. I needed to go to sleep. I'd think about it when I woke up.

I lay down and the last thoughts that crossed my mind before sleep claimed me were about how sweet Duo tasted, how good his lips felt on mine.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Two months have passed since that day and I still have no idea what the hell I feel. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the hell can't I figure this out? I need to talk to Trowa, he can help me sort things out. Yes, that's what I'll do.

Tbc….

A/N: I really liked the way this chapter turned out. It's better than expected. And it came out faster than I thought it would. Also, this is my longest chapter ever!!!! Hooray for me ^.^ whatever. Well since you're down here reading this, I'm assuming you read the chapter. Review and let me know what you think. Ja!   ^. ~


	5. realization

            'When you're in an intense situation, your emotions blind you-- they blind you to the obvious. They make it hard to think objectively and you only see what you perceive as a threat. All this time I thought Duo was the one causing to the problems-- only I find out it was me.' Shattered Chaos 

Chapter 5: Realization

By: CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com) 

                I glare at Trowa murderously as he stands across from me… smirking. I can't believe that bastard is toying with me. What the fuck kind of friend is he? I could choke the hell out of him right now. 

                "I really don't know why you're so worked up, Heero," Trowa says the smirk threatening to turn into a full out grin. "Duo already told you that he's in love with you, what more do you want?"

                I growl. "I want to know why. It doesn't make sense."

                "These things rarely do," he says bringing up a hand to cover his mouth.

                "That's not funny, Trowa!!"

                Trowa chuckles a bit before he says, "Maybe not to you, but I find it highly amusing."

                "Damnit, Trowa! Be serious…please. I need your help, you know I wouldn't even be here discussing this otherwise."

                Trowa sobered up a little. "Ok, Heero. I'll be serious."

                "Thank you."

                "I just don't know why you're here asking for my help when you obviously don't need it."

                "What do you mean?"

                "Duo said that he loved you, that explains why he treats you the way he does. What is confusing you are your reactions to his actions."

                "And…?" I say impatiently.

                "It is obvious why you react the way you do, Heero."

                "And what is this obvious reason?"

                "I'm not going to tell you that. You need to figure that out on your own."

                I stare at Trowa incredulously. I can't believe that he's refusing to tell me. My hands turn to fists and I start to shake for all of the frustration I'm feeling. I cannot believe that this is happening. I want to scream, laugh and cry at the same time. I just don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. 

I think I must have snapped because I started swearing profusely and Trowa started laughing his ass off. This went on for a while before I calmed down. However, it took, Trowa a considerably longer time to do so.

                When Trowa finally stood up from the spot on the floor he was lying on when he started laughing, I fisted my hand in his shirt and pulled him to me, glaring for all I was worth.

                "What do you mean, you will not tell me?" I snarled out, beyond frustrated. Trowa only started laughing again and I dropped him on the floor and waited for him to calm down.

                "I'm sorry, Heero, but this just so damn funny."

                "Trowa," I whined, I can't believe I whined but that was just how desperate I was. "You're supposed to be helping me, not lying on the floor laughing."

                "Just go talk to, Duo. Tell him everything. You'll understand then."

                "I already talked to Duo that just made me even more confused and I didn't even think that was possible."

                "Heero, just know that everything doesn't have to make sense. Some things just are; sense has nothing to do with it."

                I stared at him for a while, completely confused as to what he was saying "…Nani?"

                "You obviously weren't listening," Trowa returns dryly. "It'll make sense later."

                "…What the fuck?"

                "Just go talk to, Duo," and starts pushing me toward the door.

                "Nani, Trowa you were supposed to help me."

                Trowa stopped pushing me long enough to respond, "I am helping you. That's why I'm telling you to go talk to, Duo." And then he slammed the door in my face.

                I blink at the door for a while before I scream at him, "Bakayaro!!!" I faintly hear, Trowa's laughter on the other side of the door before I walk away.

*~*~*~*~*~*

                When I got back to the house Duo was sprawled out on the couch watching T.V. He jumped up as soon as he saw me.

                "Where were you, Heero?" he asked a concerned expression on his face. 

                I walked pass him without replying. I was still pissed at Trowa and I didn't feel like dealing with him at the moment.

                "Heero…?" Duo asks as he grabbed one of my wrists.

                "What do you want?" I snap at him. I've been doing that a lot lately. I really shouldn't but he's the cause of all my frustration. It's so easy to take it all out on him.

                "Where were you?" he asks again.

                "Out," I reply trying to pull away from him, but Duo only tightened his hold.

                "Where, Heero?" Duo growled out, pulling me closer to him by grabbing my other wrist.

                "What makes you think I have to tell you anything?" I say, glaring.

                "Since you stopped talking to me. I don't know what's going on with you, but I know you're still upset. Why aren't you talking to me?"

                "I've been sorting my thoughts."

                "And you had to stop talking to me to do that?"

                "Yes," I growled out trying to move away from him again.

                "Stop it, Heero," Duo said as he tightened his grip on my wrists.

                "Let me go."

                "Where were you?"

                "Why do you want to know?"

                "Because you never stay out this late and I want to know what captured your attention at this late hour."

                I glanced at a clock before I replied. "Duo, it's 8:00pm. It's not late."

                "For you it is," he said in a matter of fact tone. "Now…where were you?" 

                I sighed and gave up trying to free my wrists from his hold. "I was at Trowa's," I whispered. "Now let me go."

                "What were you doing at, Trowa's?"

                "Why are you asking me so many questions? I can go places without your approval, you are aware?" I question him eyebrow raised. 

                "Just answer the question."

                I sighed yet again. "Talking."

                "About…?" he prompts

                "Damn it, Duo!"

                "What were you talking about, Heero?"

                "That's none of your business."

                "Like hell it isn't!" he yelled his grip on my wrists becoming tight enough to bruise.

                "Duo, you're hurting me."

                Duo looked lost for a while before he realized that he was holding me too tightly, "Oh, sorry, Heero," he says before loosening his hold enough to ease the pain. 

                "What the fuck is your problem?!" I snap while sending him a glare. "I can talk to whomever I choose to, you have no say in the matter!"

                "You're obviously the one with the problem, Heero, not me."

                I sigh. I am so fed up with this conversation right now. "Just let me go, Duo."

                "No. I want to talk with you." He said guiding me toward the couch.

                "About what?"

                "You know what." He said while he released his hold on me. "Now sit." He said and pushed me onto the couch and sat next to me.

                I stared blankly at the television screen until Duo turned it off. "Well…" I prompted, "You're the one who wanted to talk." 

                "Stop being an ass, Heero. Now tell me what's bothering you."

                "You're bothering me." I mutter tiredly.

                "You keep saying that, Heero, but you never explain how. What exactly am I doing that's bothering you?"

                "I'm not in the mood to answer all of your questions right now, Duo. I just want to go to sleep."

                "You can sleep after we've talked. You've been avoiding this long enough."

                "Damn it, Duo." I growl out

                "Why don't you tell me what you and Trowa talked about to help things move along quickly?"

                "Why the hell is it so important to you to know what Trowa and I talked about?" I asked, my interest peaked.

                Duo sighed and explained in a patient tone of voice. "Whatever is bothering you is bothering you enough to seek another's opinion. And whenever you don't want to discuss what's bothering you with me, you go to Trowa. So if you tell me what you and Trowa discussed we can get straight to the heart of the matter and not waste any time getting there. And you won't have to repeat everything that you've already told Trowa, you can just paraphrase. Go ahead." He said gesturing at me to start talking.

                I stared blankly for a while before sighing and telling him everything I had discussed with Trowa.

                "You know Trowa was right when he told you that you need to talk to me."

                "Talking to you only confuses me more." I brought a hand up to rub at the ache that was starting at my left temple.

                "How do I do that? I already told you how I feel about you, Heero. There's nothing to be confused about.

                "Why do you love me? I don't understand."

                "I don't need a reason to love you, Heero. I didn't plan to fall in love with you, it just happened. Things like this rarely make sense; it's a waste of time trying to figure out why. All you'll get from it is a headache."

                Upon hearing the words that Trowa had spoken not a half-hour earlier leave Duo's mouth, I was filled with anger. How dare they try to push that nonsensical bullshit on me?!! "I don't believe you. You're just confusing the hell out of me for no fucking reason. Everything makes sense. You and Trowa just don't know what the hell you're talking about! I can't believe I asked that uni-banged asshole for advice. He just laughed at me and I'm pretty sure you've been laughing at me for the past few months. You bastards!!!" I yell out completely frustrated. How dare he sit there and try and preach the same ridiculous bullshit that Trowa tried to force on me earlier? How dare Trowa not give me any answers?

 _It's obvious why you react the way you do, Heero. You need to figure it out on your own._ Just thinking about Trowa is pissing me off to no end right now. That self-righteous bastard withholding answers form me. I could just drag him out of his house and rip his hair right off his head. I'd like to see him wear that hairstyle of his then.

I was brought of my thoughts when Duo finally spoke the shock of my outburst still evident in his eyes and hurt lingering in their depths. When I saw that I had hurt Duo all of my anger fled me. "What makes you believe anything that you just said, Heero?"

"All you've been doing for the past five months is confuse me."

"You keep saying that I'm confusing you, but you never tell me exactly what I've been doing that has been confusing you. I can't answer vague questions, Heero."

"You know exactly what you've been doing." I growled out

"Please stop assuming I know what you're talking about. It makes it hard for me to understand what's bothering you.

"So, it's only a problem when you're the one who is confused?"

"Heero, you're not making any sense. Calm down."

I took a few calming breaths before I spoke again. "You know when you called me beautiful, you blindsided me. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why you would say something like that. But what has been confusing me more than what you've been doing since that night is how I've been reacting to you. Now that makes no sense whatsoever. But I wouldn't even be reacting if you hadn't kissed me in the first place."

I don't know why, but I just decided to take Trowa up on his advice and just tell Duo everything. About how he's been confusing me, about the way he makes me feel. I have been avoiding the question long enough.

After dumping almost everything I've been thinking for the past five months on him, I was a tired weepy mess. It has to be illegal to feel this much emotion, this intensely in such a short amount of time. I don't understand how people can deal with all of this emotion on a daily basis. 

After going through all of that, I just had one question left… the root of all of my confusion. And I'd be dammed if I went through all of this not to get the answer to the question that has been driving me mad for the last five months. I rounded on Duo once again. He was still sitting in his spot on the couch; I had abandoned mine long ago in favor of pacing while I talked to him. He had a thoughtful look on his face, but it was soon replaced by shock when I voiced my question.

"Why do you pretend to care about me?!" I shouted. I was desperate to know the answer and I'm pretty sure that I looked about as desperate as I sounded. "Do you pity me? I don't need your fucking pity."

"Heero I don't pretend to care about you!" Duo said a look of disbelief on his face "Why would you think that?!"

"First you kiss me, then ignore me. Then you say you love me…and then you can't even be in the same room with me afterward. What am I supposed to think? I don't know what you want from me. I can't figure you out, you confuse me too much."

"Heero…I never ignored you." I looked at him incredulously and opened my mouth to respond to that but Duo's raised hand stopped me. "I just gave you the space I thought that you needed. I didn't want to push you into anything that you didn't want to do-- I wanted to give you time to adjust. But I never left you alone. The only reason I didn't stay in the same room with you after I told you that I loved you was because you seemed uneasy whenever I was around. I figured you that you'd rather not have me around." He finished patiently. 

"So…you weren't pretending?"

Duo shook his head "No Heero, I wouldn't pretend to care for you, you know that." 

                I don't know why, but just hearing Duo say that made me happy and I got to know what those dumbass people mean when they say they feel all warm and tingly inside. It was so ridiculous. I never imagined myself in this position. 

                I felt so light and happy at hearing Duo deny my accusation that it brought a smile to my face. I threw my arms around his neck in a fierce hug mumbling all kinds of nonsensical things in my happiness. Duo hugged me back and I felt even happier. I was happy to be in his arms, to be surrounded by him, by his scent. I didn't want to let go.

                "Don't let go, Duo," I whispered. I needed this contact more than anything. I needed it; it was a physical affirmation of, Duo's presence. If I was in his arms he wouldn't leave me. I hadn't even known that I feared his leaving until now. 

                "Don't worry, I'll hold you as long as you need me to," Duo said as he lay down on the couch cradling me against him until I fell asleep. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                Since the conversation I had with Duo a couple of months ago I have been noticing some things. I had previously noted that I liked Duo's scent and touch, but as I've been paying more attention to him lately the reason for this is, as Trowa stated not two months ago, obvious. I have noticed that I am attracted to Duo, as he is attracted to me. So my reactions where he is concerned are perfectly logical. What I don't understand is when I began to feel this way, but I have given up on trying to figure that out because it is as, Duo said, a waste of time. 

                I have noticed that I like everything about, Duo. The sound of his voice, the way he moves, the way his eyes light up, his hair. I am completely infatuated. I have spent the last couple of months in his arms because I can't sleep if I'm not with him. 

                I love the way his arms feel around me, the way he moves his fingers in my hair, the way his lips feel against mine. His touch makes me feel safe. I'm happy when I'm with him. I have never been this happy before. Maybe this is more than infatuation. Maybe it's love.

Tbc…….


	6. acceptance

'I've noticed that I have become dependent upon, Duo. Dependent upon his voice, depended on the feel of his eyes upon me, dependent upon his need for me to be everywhere he is, and I don't know how to feel about that. I've never been dependent upon anything--Until him.' Shattered Chaos 

Chapter 6: Acceptance

By: CobaltPrincess (cobaltprincess@hotmail.com) 

**Disclaimer: **If you haven't figured it out by now I don't know what to tell you. 

                I love him.

                I can't believe that I love him.

                I never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. I'm not exactly the type person that people fall in love with. 

                I can't help wondering what it is about me that Duo likes. He has all theses amazing qualities and I have none. And I can't help thinking, although not for the first time, that I'm undeserving of his love. And now that I know I love him, I don't think that I should feel this way. Duo deserves someone better than me.

                I sigh.

                There is no point in thinking these things it doesn't solve anything. And as Trowa said everything doesn't have to make sense, some things just are.

                As undeserving as I think I am of Duo, I can't help the way I feel about him. He has come to mean so much to me. He meant a lot even when I was unaware of my feelings for him.

                I can't help but smile when I think of the past seven months. If Duo hadn't kissed me, I wouldn't have been forced to realize my feelings for him and he would have never had the opportunity to tell me what he felt. 

                My mindset has changed so drastically in such a short amount of time. If someone told me seven months ago that I would be dependent on Duo just to get through the day, I would have shot them for implying that I, Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, needed someone. 

                But this isn't seven months ago--This is today. And I need Duo; I need him so bad it hurts. 

                He is the embodiment of everything that is good in my life. He is the someone that I thought I could never have. I am happy, and it's all because of him. Never in my life have I felt so happy and safe. 

I wonder what it is that I did that made Duo look at me the way he does. Like I'm the only person in the universe. I wonder what I did to make him want to hold me the way he does, touch me the way he does…. Kiss me the way he does.

I never knew I was missing all these things until I felt them. It's amazing how much Duo can do for me with just a touch--with just a glance. He is my world just as much as I am his and I never want to let that go.

I should tell him how I feel. It's the least l could do considering all that he has done for me. Telling Duo that I love him would make him as happy as it makes me every time I hear him say it, and Duo deserves that happiness more than I do.

I am broken from my reverie when Duo enters the room. "What are you thinking about, Heero?" I stared up at Duo; eyes travelling from his beat up black work boots to the wild fringes he called bangs. I eventually settled my gaze on his eyes--Sparkling pools of amethysts that captivated me.

I stared into his eyes for a while before I finally answered him. "I'm thinking…" I said as I stood up and closed the gap between the two of us as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "About how much I love you," I finished and placed a chaste kiss upon his lips.

Duo was silent for a while after that. He just stared into my eyes, his gaze searching before he laughed happily. Kami how I love the sound of his laugh. I was a deep, rich laugh full of life--Just like him. Duo wrapped his arms around me and held onto me so tightly that I could barely breathe, but I didn't care. I was so glad that I could make Duo happy.

I started to giggle excitedly and shower Duo's face with kisses. I have never been so happy that I have done something in my entire life. My shower of kisses eventually led me to Duo's lips, where he captured my own devouring me with the intensity of his emotion. After we parted I was left panting while Duo buried his face in the hollow of my throat whispering how much he loved me.

When Duo got his emotions under control, he pulled away from me enough to look into my eyes. It was during this moment that I noticed something. Duo's my savior, my light through the darkness. He's breaks down all of my barriers, sorting through the chaos in my mind. 

He knows how fucked up I am and he still accepts me--I accept me when I'm with him. I am able to love and be loved because of him. I know that I can spend forever with him.

End 


End file.
